How do you minister to a minister? Case in point, how do you take the sting out of the loss of a friend? ...and with someone who has heard all the questions and certainly has heard all the book answers.
I bring this up to make me feel better. I'd like to feel better. I see a friend hurting and I'd really like to help. I'm a helper by nature; show me a problem and I'll try to fix it. Typical male...
Why is my friend hurting?
...we lost a brother in Christ the other day to cancer. This man came to the Lord just a few years ago and exploded into many of our lives with his vitality and enthusiasm. Less than a year ago, those funny pains were diagnosed as pancreatic cancer. He did manage to pull some extra time from somewhere and made it much longer than the physicians predicted...
Some of that extra time was likely a reprieve requested by many, many friends. So why did he have to die at all? ...and that brings us to one of the two issues here: Why did he have to die?
I don't know. His wife doesn't know. Pastor Joe doesn't know.
God knows.
Should He tell us? Do we really want to know? Do we really want God's job?
I think not.
So to those who would cry, "Why, Lord?" I can only say, "Why ask why?" The voice of God is rarely given to man; and even more rarely to be understood...
Or is it? What about, "Your will be done..."? With that as a basic premise and prayer, all else is secondary. ...and if you truly believe that with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind, the peace of the Lord will be with you and help sustain you in these times.
Sure, I'd like our friend to be around longer; I bet his wife would too. From what I heard at his memorial service today, his fishing buddies would really like him around for a long, long time. But God has other plans and I do not presume to understand them; I can, however, live with them.
So what's a friend to do?
Listen; that's what. ...and that brings us to the second issue: the process of grieving.
It's natural to feel a longing for a pleasant experience that is no longer available. It might be as mundane as that pizza parlor that went out of business or as deep as a friend or relative who is no longer here. The loss is not a loss to the person (at least if they were a Christian), but rather a loss to us personally. We miss them.
What to do? What to do...?
We remember them, that's what. That's all; and that is all important. We remember them.
We remember them in the good times, for that is what we miss about them: those good times (I see no point in remembering the bad times).
So, go ahead: remember them from those good times and smile and cry and miss them. You'll be together again soon enough.
Oh, and talk about them. That's a little harder, the talking, that is. That's because there has to be someone to talk with, and verbalizing those thoughts can bring things bubbling to the surface. ...and you might cry. ...and you might show some emotion.
News flash: that is okay; and it is also a good thing.
So what about my pastor? What can I/you/we do for him?
Pretty much whatever he asks. Go to the local park and talk? Help out at the memorial? Offer a shoulder? A handshake? ...a hug?
...any of the above. You have your grieving process; he'll have his. If you can intersect with his and be a help, sure. If not, there will be others who can.
One thing though, for both of you: make sure he knows, even indirectly, that you are there. You never know when or how or why that request for help may come.
...and yes, this process also works for people who are not ordained.