ok, here goes:

stop me if i bore you to tears.

see, i'm closing in on 30. that's young, yes, but an eventful age for the considerate male, especially the Christian one. over the past 3 years, God has led me through intense valleys of depression, panic disorders, medication, therapists, marital issues - the whole nine yards - in order to do what I was not going to do myself: grow me up.

now that i've made it through the so called "worst" of my depression, up until this point anyhoo, He's asked me to rid myself of, or just change, some things in my life. Dan, for that life I cannot seem to pull these requests off. I have tried until my face has turned several shades of blue, green, chartreuse - heck, i even saw my face go plaid in one fit of personal rage.

Dan, I was never taught the concept of "grace" growing up. military-like Christian schools and legalistic churches (Baptist) taught me the fire & brimstone life, and grace was something reserved for only those truly pious human beings I've never met but was told so much about. now, it is almost as if God Himself hinders my personal progress, in order for me to concede once and for all that it is indeed "by Grace ye are saved". i don't want to delude myself, or to fool myself into using this theory of mine as an excuse to live out my own wishes for just a few more months, but is that possible? could God be hindering me on purpose, or am i just a moron?

i've had issues with control ever since i was cognizant of what my militaristic schools were doing to us. i sort of scooped up all the control i could muster - ie, personal life, habits, etc - and laid claim to it all as mine. now, God says "no." to that line of thinking, and He wants me to give these things up. for WEEKS and weeks now i've been trying to give up some things, and i fail miserably and go back to the things out of frustration and giving up hope.

i seem to end every day with my frustration, and, as much as she loves me and has an amazing bumper-crop of patience, i know somewhere inside my wife is weary of my indecision as well.

i don't necessarily ask your advice. if you have it, *please* offer it. i just need the ear of someone i respect and feel has probably gone through this.

talk to you soon.

-c-